Comfortable being uncomfortable

I have had a revelation. 

This is never going to be easy.

I'm not used to that.  I'm used to sailing.  Smoothly. 

And now I know those days are over, for the time being anyway.

But I also realize I'm never going to get anywhere in this game without really and truly pushing myself, and dealing with the resulting uncomfortableness that entails.  And the self-doubt and frustration and anger and the urge to drink and smoke heavily.  Especially that urge.

This process is inevitably going to entail struggle.  I'm learning slowly and begrudgingly that it's a righteous struggle that will pay off in proportionate dividends.  Otherwise nobody would ever put themselves through this rollercoaster.

Pressure

I thought I knew pressure.  Now I'm learning steno, that is, if I don't explode first.

Dr. Seuss dictation results

Not even Dr. Seuss is fun anymore.  
As if anyone talks like that anyway.... 
I never thought Dr. Seuss would kick my ass.
But he did.

Fallen behind

My worst fears have come true: I've fallen behind.

This is officially not fun anymore.

After a close, dear friend's death in May and then spending a good week getting over illness, I have fallen behind.  If it weren't for my instructor's patience and understanding, I would be in jeopardy of failing rather than falling behind. 

Harsh words have been spoken.  Tears have been shed.  It has not been pretty.

Every bit of momentum I had has been sucked out of my sails. 

But I'm still in it.  I will get through this if I have to claw and scrape my way through.    

Still grunting after all these years